My life

I have not decide where to stay this coming September. I did mentioned about living in city centre however since coming back to Brunei, I have a change of heart. Why?

1. Because of you. Yes. I want you to attend my graduation. Kapeesh?

2. I want to travel. And travelling requires money. And living in city centre does not come cheap. The cheapest you can hope to get is 350 quids exclusive of utilities. I want to go to Paris, this time I am not alone.

3. My parents are coming for my graduation. I plan to save money for my grandma, so she too can attend my graduation. Grandma is my beacon of hope (Other than you of course). Without her prayer, I might not be who I am today. I heart you grandma.

4. I have second thoughts about working. Cause:

(a) I decided to join Aikido Birmingham. Contacted the dojo already.

(b) Continue with my post as MASOC publishing executive.

(c) Continue Volunteering for Aston Reach Out Programme. I love kids. Call me pedo, and your spirit would see your head decorating my walls.

But then, if I am accepted and if the working schedule does not affect above activities I might as well get on with it.

I have the utmost amazing dream last night. The ending was beautiful. (This moment is perfect, please don’t go away). Bloody hell, why did I woke up? Oh, sahur. What is the dream about? I can’t remember the details but it leaves me with those happy feeling when you know something is good about to happen. Please God, let the dream be reality except the part that I used people for my own goods. That is not good at all.

I really want to do sports. The 10/hr for squash training is still up. Why no people take the offer? And here I am hearing complains about not having enough money. Come on pepz, who pay you 10/hr for uncertified training. Huh?

“The only proof that God loves you is that everytime you pray, God answers”

Posted by Lisyah at 20:34 | 0 comments  

Keep holding on. Just stay strong. Yes, I am strong. At times.

I was laughing looking through the photographs. I know loving you is not a mistake at all. In fact I am absolutely sure that it is the best decision I ever made since I began to involve myself with love. I really love this quote from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

There is love in my heart for you. I know because I feel it. Love doesn’t need words, it doesn’t need comfort, it is an act of belief. As long as one of us still believe in love, it will work out. God been testing me for the past few days. I think believe God is testing me whether my love to you is true. It seems that God do not need much convincing. ;)

So weird la that I tend to write so much when I am emotional. That leads me to create this hypothesis “People who are in love tend to perform well in creative writing compare to people who are not”. One month and a day before going back to UK. Please God, grant me my wish. Not just in dream but in reality.

Posted by Lisyah at 20:41 | 0 comments  

After drying my hair with the hair dryer~

With a touch of Gatsby Wax. Simple kan?

And the Contact Lenses~

I’m using my brother’s O2 phone atm (at the moment). <= Insider joke. huhu. My first luxury mobile phone after 2 years of using simple phone. I think it’s luxurious because it acts like a small computer. XD

I declare I am a bimbo phone user. The blondes look smarter now.

My mood is happy right now. XD

Posted by Lisyah at 19:11 | 0 comments  

Serious. I look more….mature. haha. Self proclaimed.

Did few stuffs today:

1. Passport photo. Senyum. I smiled. I think it was my sarcasm smile although it turned out well on paper. (Beware emo is coming) I believe this smile is still yours to keep. I see signs here and there, and I believe it will happen….whatever that thing that will happen that is. Everything I do I do it for you. Well partly for now at least. Be brave love. If I can hold on to this love, so can you. I know some friends would see this stupid. I don’t. God is testing me. And I am going to survive this test. Till then, please hold on to whatever love that still lives in your heart.

“Instant or diskett?” Lord, I can’t imagine paying extra dollars for a diskett. Why don’t they upgrade to disc instead? And they are still selling those old cameras. $35 with one roll of film. I think the good thing about old camera is that you can’t tell whether your pictures turn out to be nice or not. So save the hassle of taking pictures balik-balik. At least the picture that come out in the end is you. Spend $5 for a passport photo.

2. MOE. Renewing my expired scholarship card. “Ambil dalam masa 3 hari lai ah” 3 days waiting period. It was sunyi at moe. During our time, the place was crowded with anxious parents and students. I guess they really did improve their service.

3. Haircut. I got 1 hour 50 minutes to waste so I decided to have a hair cut. I like my new haircut. Did mine at Inspiration Alan Salon. Simple and easy to manage. In addition, was given free hair scan. Lord, my scalp so dry. Some areas on my scalp are sensitive. “Those are not dandruffs, those are dead skin cells”. Otherwise everything else is alright. I got healthy root. Woot Woot. So I am going for my scalp treatment in September after allowance. Spend $12 for haircut+wash.

I am going back to UK with my cousin, Izah. At least people will be seeing me off. Or would they? Impossible mood raya still on after almost a week. If there is one person I want to be there during my departure, that person is you.

This world is discriminating. Pfft.

Posted by Lisyah at 02:43 | 0 comments  

You can’t live without them.

They are very interesting. Little devil I called them. They are honest. Everything they say is truth even if they lie, their body would give away. Their curious mind know no boundaries. They know nothing about off-limit. If children are let loose in environment where its danger is far as the distance between the moon and earth, geniuses would will be grown.

The gathering at Nini Tutong went well. They are missing faces: Abang Dedet, Ngagah Daud, Abang Hafiz, and some of our relatives in Tutong. Truth to be told, I did not recognize many of the faces last night. We share the same blood but are totally oblivious about each other presence. Perhaps a salasilah should be written down on a piece of paper so that the future generations know whose who. But I wonder who would attempt such task?

At last I saw my third niece. She is so beautiful. She didn’t cry when people approached her. I bet on my psychology knowledge she would barely remember any of the faces last night who entertained her. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying her cute little face. Its just so disappointing that Fufu doesn’t remember my name. Guess I’ll refresh his memory at the next gathering.

Nini Amit seems to show symptom (Tremor) of an Alzheimer sufferer. Psychologists have no right to intervene unless we are given the permission to do so. Besides would he listen to a kid like me? :(

Tarawih later. Please no rain. :D

Posted by Lisyah at 20:58 | 0 comments  

Perhaps there is a hope for tomorrow. A hope to find the siratul Mustaqim. The desire to go to Sharif Ali mosque is strong. I was almost at tears when I pass through the Sharif Ali mosque: I didn’t go for the first Tarawih.

There are always reasons for not going for Tarawih every year. From rain to downright lazy. I need saving, salvation from whatever cursed chain that binds me from seeking the mercy of God. I hope this Ramadan will be different. No. I should strive that this Ramadan will be a better Ramadan than the previous years. I seek forgiveness from all readers, friends and foes. I am but another human who is susceptible to the whisper of the fallen beings.

I am going for Tarawih this Sunday. We have makan aul tomorrow at Nini Tutong. I pray everything goes well tomorrow. The family ties slackens as we grow older. How I wish everything stays the same, but as Prof always said ‘The only constant is change’.

I tried squash today. It was fun. Just a mere quarter of an hour I profuse heavily. It is better than body Jam. Should have join squash ages ago. At the age of 21, I begin to love sports. They called me kaki bangku, and I will prove them wrong.

I played netball with them (Lee, Anis, Mukram, Qayyum and some others) last Wednesday. Tried the GD and GK positions. I sucked at them both. It was fun but hard. The rule of the game that annoyed me is the 3 feet position from your opponent. Now, my ability to judge distance is crap and to always move 3 feet away make the game complicated…at least for me. But with practice right techniques, anyone can master any sports. There goes my optimistic view of life.

I like the BBSS polo shirt. It is awesome.

Taken from facebook without permission. You guys might earn some popularity points. Not that my blog is  famous. lol. Should I start spamming people tagboard to acquire readers to read this personal journal of mine?

Happy Ramadan everyone, especially to you, 0507. ^_^

Posted by Lisyah at 05:52 | 0 comments  

Yes I will wait for you till you are ready again.

They say being ignored is a sign of not wanting. I disagree. I believe you have your own reasons; and I trust those reasons. As long as you don’t cheat on me and I will be forever faithful to you. (I do believe you still love me because my heart tells me that you are.)

Be positive love. I will always put you in my prayer. That is a promise that will never be broken.

Now on a lighter non-emotional part of this post. I bought myself a squash racket. 50 dollar is a bargain. I think it is. Who wants to play with me?

I realized how boring Brunei is when you have nothing to do. In Birmingham, you can always found something to do no matter what the hour is. At 1 a.m I can just go to Hazim’s place and watch movie or go down to Lake and enjoy the beautiful night without fear of ghost apparition. Oh Lord, I miss the pizza.

I realized that science minded people tend to be very critical on all things science. Any opinions that are not ‘scientific’ will be heavily criticized. Go to sciam.com and you will understand my opinion on them better.

God doesn’t want anything from you. It is you who need something from God. God doesn’t need a relationship with you. It is you who need to have a relationship with God. God loves all his creations.

Signing out. As my love always said, pft~~

Posted by Lisyah at 08:11 | 0 comments  

Watching it.

I am a kid at heart. I don’t give a shit if Ben is for kid.

Gwen drawn pretty hawt.

Who wants to be normal when I can be awesome.

I changed so much. So much that old Lisyah will cry his heart out if he realized how the him now is so much different than the him he was before.

Even my parent notice the changes that took place within me.

I am so open. I am too open. That scares me.

God must be laughing right now. I am but his toy of amusement on this little planet called earth.

We can make anyone fell for us, but can we make it lasts?

Ramadan will be very different for me this year. A month abstaining myself from facebook. Can I do it?

Allah grace me with sanity. Just give me back my sanity.

UFO? Universal Fucking Organization.

Words are pointless without action. pfft~

Posted by Lisyah at 19:36 | 0 comments  

I am lost in sea of thoughts.

My visions resurface.

Absence make the heart grow fonder. Is it? Does your heart counts?

Believe. Yakin. One thing that I lack these days.

I need to start my meditation. I have to speak to the person that resides within me.

I begin to understand. With understanding come passion.

I want to try shrimp stix.

Can anyone teach me squash? I pay 10 dollar Brunei per hour. No joke. Just leave a message on my tagboard.

Signing off. XD

Posted by Lisyah at 07:39 | 0 comments  

I pray that her soul is blessed in the afterlife. Although you are not my grandma by blood, you are a grandma nonetheless. I am sorry Uncle Pet for not expressing my condolences for I am speechless for your lost. 

Death comes to us without asking. It just happened.

What if I die tomorrow without you knowing?

I don’t want to disappear. 

We learned from mistakes. Falling in love with you is never a mistake.

Second thoughts? We’ll see about that soon enough.

I want to take up sport.

I want to continue my Aikido lessons.

Death taught us to live life the fullest. No matter what you do, you will hurt someone in the process. Even being happy will hurt someone eventually.

Signing out. aitz.

Posted by Lisyah at 09:29 | 0 comments  

My brother is good at it. I am learning practicing it. It couldn’t be that hard. I hope. Hope, the word that makes us fickle. I wonder if we can live without this thing call hope. Hope for the best. Hope for the future. I wish everyone have the mind of pro-darwinism: to think in term of biology, where everything can be deduced to something explainable. Blegh. Babbling Lisyah.

Grandma…

I saw a squirrel outside my house, climbing up the tree.

Grandma…

I should start writing down names of her immediate family. I want to find my Chinese relatives. Who knows they might actually turn out to be someone very famous. Me and my ever materialistic mind.

Speaking of Chinese, I’m learning arabic now. Quranic arabic to be more precise. At least people won’t shit me with religious text when am done with my study.

Offered a house with a dog! A dog. Can you believe it? A house that comes with a dog. 215 inclusive of bills…and a dog. But then would you come if I stay there? Perhaps not. Cat is your thing. Sigh.

Maybe we should start over.

Hi My name is Lisyah. You can call me Ali. Wait…..isn’t it suppose to be the other way round?

I like dogs. I plan to keep a white tiger when I grow old. I want to save all the wild animals from extinction.

I dream to introduce psychology course in UBD one day. I want to share the joy of learning and promote the understanding of a complex species called human. By doing this I hope we could understand each other better.

Signing out. Pft.

Posted by Lisyah at 18:26 | 0 comments  

I don’t understand why. Why would you do this to me? Have not I ask you if you want this to continue? Have not I ask you if this is the path that you want to take?

I am willing to do anything. I am willing to endure this silence. I will never cut you off. I still believe in you.

Silence doesn’t solve anything! Nor ignoring me. You need me, and I need you. If it takes 1 year, 2 years, or 50 years for you to begin to realize how I will stand by you through this complication, I will wait. I cannot ascend the heaven without you by my side.

Family, Religion, friends and me. I will never put you in a situation where you need to choose. I don’t mind if I am the last one in your mind.

I don’t know if you are reading this very word I written. I’m taking up your favorite sport for you. It’s a laughable idea but one that meant so much. Perhaps I can dual you one day.

If you don’t love me anymore. Say it to me. Don’t let me hang on such a breakable thread. I will get hurt, but knowing is better than not knowing at all.

You still owe me your timetable. You still owe me this Thursday. I know I am such an arse to keep my hopes high. Who doesn’t?

I went to UBD today. You were few minutes away from me. Yet you never came.

I have this feeling that some foul magic is at play here. Fucking retards. I will make you guys suffer.

Posted by Lisyah at 22:07 | 0 comments  

Posted by Lisyah at 02:49 | 0 comments  

It is amazing how I manage to experience the turbulence of love within a week. From jealousy to downright insecurity. I am at wrong. I am sorry. You know I only have few weeks left with you, I want to make use of it. Perhaps I fail to understand you, No I failed to understand you. That is why grandma insist I consider your feelings for a change. You are the world to me.

You put your blog on private. Not inviting me, your own boyfriend. If you want pampering, I give it to you. I submit my will to you. (After God that is)

I believe that deep down inside you still love me. Know that I will always love you no matter how mad you are at me. I will never call this relationship off. Never. If my nini believe in our relationship, so can we.

My morning breakfast is not as cheerful as it used to be. My heart thinks of you. It feels pain, even now. I dream again last night. A feeling of forgiveness enveloped me. You forgave me in that dream. Everything went to normal again. I know it will. I must believe it will. It is this unwavering belief that keep me alive today. We have so much ahead of us to spent together.

Please love, text me, call me like you used to. I don’t know if I am able to survive this ordeal. If this is a test, it is the hardest test that has been given to me so far.

I will wait for you. Wait for you to believe that my love for you is as true as the sun shines during the day and moon glows at night. Can you feel my heart in yours? Its thumping irregularly. Hope and fear.

Almost a year since the last time I felt this pain, although the previous one was cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan. You came to me like an unbidden wind from the sea, bringing charm that petrified me, turning all direction of my life to you.

Please syg, talk to me again. I need you. Wrong. We need each other. What is an answer without its question ei?

Love.

p.s: I do this for you. I think Jajan will do it better than me. I had panda eyes from the tears I shed for you since last night. Yes, I cried. And it will continue if this situation continue between us.

Posted by Lisyah at 18:00 | 0 comments  

I thought I am blessed with free minutes but we were cut short by my credit. My heart screams for you every time I think of you. It is pain, but one that is worth experiencing. Love seem so far from me few weeks ago then you appear in my life. My world is centered around you now.

You are lame but that what makes you so special. Everything I do now reminds me of you. The subtle motivation by your presence give me strength to do whatever things that needs to be done.

What is a question without an answer?

You I love till death take me or God give you someone better than me.

I am the luckiest person to have you. This is true.

I love you. Love you my 5.

Posted by Lisyah at 18:58 | 0 comments  

I take back what I said about being an ONS person.

If a relationship is to be with you, I take whatever difficulties that comes ahead of me.

10/08/2009 mark the beginning of our relationship.

Words can’t describe how much you meant to me.

I’ll be your bolster anytime. I **** you.

Posted by Lisyah at 18:00 | 0 comments  

Been sneezing since yesterday. I doubt it is swine flu. I am too holy for a host.

I am grateful that e-speed been co-operative lately. Completed my wow (world of warcraft) patch download. It took almost half a day. Better late than never.

Masshouse at 390 including bills. That is freaking cheap! 200 deposits. I hope, God is willing, that it is not rent out till October. And there is the 260 studio. Again another good place to let.

I’ve applied for Support Worker. I hope they hire me. Wait. They will hire me. 8 quids per hour upon completion of training. That is 160 quids per week and 640 quids per month. Helping disable will be rewarding.

I love the sauna at the gym. 10 minutes in that warm environment calmed my mind. Pure bliss. I wonder if we are suppose to be nude in the sauna. I wore my shorts in there.

I realized I am more of an ONS (One night stand) person. Relationship is not for me at the moment. Weird. Commitment scares me.

Any special conduct during the month of Nisfu Syaaban is an innovation. This was said by Qadarawi supported by the X mufti of Perlis, Asri. These people want to put logic in religion, which I personally believe will be the demise of Islam. Religion is never logic because God is never governed by the rules of logic.

Posted by Lisyah at 20:01 | 0 comments  

Happy because I attended the Jamil’s family gathering last night. It was my first gathering in 10 months.

We had ambuyat at Aminah Arif, Batu Bersurat.

I joined fitness zone for a month. I believe it should be enough to bring down my weight to optimum.

Brunei is hot. I am not joking. Even with the air conditioner on, the sweat glands could not resist the temptation to excrete water all over my body.

Black Magician Trilogy by Trudi Canavan is amazing. I love reading.

I found a very cheap studio, 60 quid per week. Hopefully it is not taken by 28 September. 

Posted by Lisyah at 01:32 | 0 comments